You know...stuff

"I Am More Than Content With The State Of Mind I Am In"

2007-09-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

Who the heck knows where to start? Well, I see no point in reviewing the past two and a half months. In short, between transitioning to my new job and transitioning into my new house, I've had very little free space left in my brain. I've been happy and appreciative of all these great new things in my life...and incredibly stressed out all at the same time.

You always think that you can just think positively and things will be easier...but that's just not the way it works. Moving on and big changes are great, great things...but man, they can suck, too!

But it's all good. I'm not longer dealing with needing antibiotics every few weeks or my dad's cancer (he's finished with his chemo) or feeling stuck in a town and a sad apartment in which I didn't feel welcome. So as difficult as it is to transition and as tired as I've been from all my recent travel, I'm in a much happier state of mind.

Which means I can get back to my life. And THEN I'll figure out when I can write regular posts. :)

"Some Fantastic"

2007-07-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

My oh my oh my....

So it's been forever and here's why. I spent the month of May in a cloud because my father was ill. But now he's fine, so that's good.

The week he got out of the hospital, I was informed of a full-time marketing position right here in Connecticut. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to work full-time since the freelancing had been going well, but I never shrug off an opportunity that has landed in my lap. I figured, I could talk to some people.

So on a Monday, I scheduled an interview for Thursday.

Now, rewind for a second. For a few months, I've really been hating my apartment. But I figured I should stay because I didn't want to deal with the stress and cost of a move...and besides, it's not like I was going to buy anything. So since I was going to be renting, it was just adding cost on top of cost and it wasn't worth it.

HOWEVER, this job prospect came up and in the three days that I was prepping for my interview I realized...holy crap! there's one HUGE benefit to going back to work full-time. I could probably *buy* a place.

So my mom and I looked at a condo that she knew was for sale by owner on Wednesday. She already had an offer on it, but she said she could hold out on accepting it until I knew the deal with this new "job."

That was on Wednesday. On Thursday, I interviewed and was offered the job on that same day.

On Friday, my mom and I visited every condo in my price range available at the complex that I liked and found the most perfect one. I put in an offer for it on Sunday. I accepted my job offer on Monday.

I started my job the next Monday. And then I took the trip to LA that I had scheduled in May when my father got home from the hospital. I got back on Wednesday from that. Came to work yesterday and today. And I'm off again on Sunday to South America for a business trip. I come back next Saturday. My closing is the Monday after that.

Then my cousin gets married that Friday. And I move the very next weekend.

There went June and July!

So that's where I've been. I won't be around for a while, but hopefully come August, I can get back to my regular updates and more amusing posts. I owe Pat some irreverent humor since he's been sorely disappointed in my blog humor thus far.

But the best news is that it seems (and I don't want to speak too soon), that I've emerged from a tunnel into a shining sun. It feels good to laugh again. And to feel joy radiating from my core...to not feel like I need to contract and protect it. It feels good to feel good again and to finally have some evidence that Life is on my side.

2007-05-25T08:14:00.001-05:00

One more Sink Kitty. This is Wiki Sink Kitty. I've met this cat and she's awesome. That attitude you see in her eyes? Yeah...that's for real.

"Put a smile on..."

2007-05-23T00:25:00.000-05:00

So I've hung out with my dad quite a bit lately...and that's done wonders for my mood. Simply because the man is HILARIOUS!

Laughter heals.

So in the spirit of happier times, I'd like to post a tribute to Sink Kitties.

---
What is it about cats? They've all got their own idiosyncrasies and such...but there are also things that are uniquely feline and apply to all cats -- like sleeping in sunbeams, climbing as high as they can, and curling up in tiny corners.

Today I discovered that they also love hanging out in the bathroom sink. They don't
sleep there...it's not a place where they go to conk out. They literally hang out and contemplate life, I guess. Or maybe it's the cool....

Anyway, feel free to send me your Sink Kitties. Here are a few of my favorites:

I'll start with my little monkey Jasper:

And then there's Suzanne's Sink Kitty:

Here is Manisha's Sink Kitty:

And here are some that Lynn discovered...even though they are not her Sink Kitties:

Like I said, if you have a Sink Kitty, send it along and I'll post him/her on the site :)

-------

So, just out of curiosity I did a google search for "sink kitty" and here's what came up. I'm amazed...sort of.

I guess sometimes they *do* sleep:

This one looks a little annoyed about the interruption:

This is Billy:

This one barely fits:

This one is too big to fit in the bathroom sink, so he graduated to the kitchen sink:

2007-05-18T18:50:00.000-05:00

Update:

Everyone is fine. I woke up with the three of them cuddled up with me this morning.

Apparently peace plant lilies are not "true lilies"--so it causes GI distress but no liver toxicity. I still had to wake up a few times during the night to make sure they were alive and not puking up more plant bits.

sigh

No more drama for a while, please.

And please...if you ever want to get me something...get me a nice pen or a bottle of wine or a gift certificate to Target or I-tunes. Just no.more.peace.plants.

2007-05-18T00:45:00.000-05:00

Fuck fuck fuck!!! FUCK!!

No, that's not a joke. I'm mid-freak out and it's too late to call anyone.

One of the cats ate the flowers off a peace lily plant that I just brought home. It was a gift. And I left it in the dining room because usually they don't eat plants. Tucker has been known to chew on leaves but they don't eat flowers.

I even had a huge peace plant for a while, and they never touched it. But now I come home and there's puke on the floor that's got three (three!!) flowers in it. The plant's all chewed up...and I don't know who did the chewing.

So why am I freaking out? Well, it's because these plants are poisonous to cats. As in toxic. As in bad things can happen to a cat if it eats one...*especially* the flowers. The flowers are the *worst* part.

I had to call Animal Poison Control. They charge you $55 for a phone call before they can tell you whether or not your cat just ingested something that could kill it. And you pay it because you're scared that your animal is going to start having seizures and die.

There's nothing I can do. What's done is done and now I just need to watch and wait and try to intervene if someone takes a bad turn.

Man! This is the last thing I need right now. I *don't* need another reason to lose sleep at night. I don't need another thing to scare the hell out of me. I don't need to lose another cat.

I hate this. Fragile things break...so we're careful with them. Why don't we get the same break? When we are fragile, why can't Life be a little more considerate? Mom was right when she said that Life wasn't fair...but I wish that the bad things could be spaced apart a little bit more...and not one on top of the other.

Motherfucker.

Wrap Your Arms Around Me

2007-05-13T23:03:00.000-05:00

So I've been gone for a while from the blogworld. I tried. I really tried.

But I had somewhat of a crisis--not like "the world came crashing down on me" crisis, but some very unnerving news. And until you get news like that, you just don't know how you'll ever react. It truly changes the way you go about your day...and it takes a lot to process.

And as I was processing (and I still am processing), my ability to express anything was completely dammed up. I tried--lots of times--to put it all into words. But I couldn't write or say or sing/sign/draw anything that could help me make sense of it all. I could just cry and stay awake at night. And so that's what I did. That's what I've been doing.

But I actually don't want to talk about that. I don't want to recount it or relive it at all.

What I do want to talk about is the fact that I've had some precious moments because of (or maybe in spite of) all this.

I am constantly amazed at the things and the people that console when Life decides to deliver a swift kick to the gut. It's never what you expect--it's never who you thought who provides comfort.

There are, of course, the usual suspects--your people--who show right up and bookend you so you don't fall all over the place. And I love them for that. I'm so lucky to have that.

But there are also the small gestures and the simple acts of kindness from some folks you wouldn't expect--and they have a bigger impact that one would ever imagine.

Who could anticipate that a walk and an ice cream sandwich would be so soothing? Or that that a kind note and a girly night out would help get you on more even ground?

When I reflect on the last two or so weeks, those are the things that jump out to me. It surprises me that they were just as comforting as the support a close friend can (and did) provide. Those are the things that you can grasp--they're what's tangible when your whole world is swimming around.

Bad things happen. And you go numb. But people reach out, and you can still feel it.

And that's what you remember. You don't remember the shock or the numb or the desperation.

You remember the ice cream sandwich and the way the sun felt on your face. And the sweetness of a good friend regularly checking in. You remember the ginger creme anglais and swooning over Jude Law.

I will always be thankful that there are simple things like dessert and sunshine to lift one's spirits. But I'm mostly thankful for the people who reach out and so kindly gift them.

We are sad enough to know...we must laugh again

2007-04-19T14:58:00.000-05:00

Virgina Tech:
I've wanted to comment, but I stayed away from the TV and the internet for a while. These situations break my heart and make me question so much. It's overwhelming and my emotions get the best of me. So I have only one clear thought: The *one* place where our kids should be able to count being safe is school.

Nikki Giovanni's address at Virginia Tech:
We are Virginia Tech.

We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning.

We are Virginia Tech.

We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly, we are brave enough to bend to cry, and we are sad enough to know that we must laugh again.

We are Virginia Tech.

We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by the rogue army, neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devastated for ivory, neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water, neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized.

No one deserves a tragedy.

We are Virginia Tech.

The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds. We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid. We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imaginations and the possibilities. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.

We are the Hokies.

We will prevail.

We will prevail.

We will prevail.

We are Virginia Tech.

"This is what it takes to drive a [wo]man to drink"

2007-04-08T21:05:00.000-05:00

So I'm back from a month away...from the blogworld, that is. I was only gone from Connecticut for two weeks.

Life exploded, though. I started a freelance project in NY and it made my timing so screwy. Good screwy, but screwy. I'm just starting to get used to it now and it's all kind of evening out. Which is a good thing.

I don't even know where to start. Puerto Rico was not a vacation...at all. Sure I had four days on the beach, but the drama that preceded and followed really overshadowed those days.

And when I say drama...I say full on breakdowns where I am sobbing uncontrollably and feeling particularly bereft of my experience.

I've processed and vented, so I don't feel the need to recount the details. But I will say this: If you want to know where your edges lie, spend two weeks with your mom and extended family. And then have everyone get in your way and try to tell you what you can and can't handle, what you can and can't do. Gives me agita just thinking about it.

I know so much more about what I need and how I operate just by being around a whole lot of people who are *completely* the opposite.

And that will be valuable one day. Right now, I still have a scab from the whole trip. And you know how it is with those...they bother you and you just want to pick them off...but if you do, you bleed. So you just have to deal.

On the bright side, I did learn a ton about my family. I saw where my parents got married and the house where my mom grew up. I spent time with my hilarious aunt and uncle who I never see. I had a really nice BBQ while I was visiting with my dad. I read letters that my grandmother sent home from Europe where they lived from 1963-65, and got her perspective. And best of all, I got a Life magazine from December 3, 1963. It's the one that covered JFK's assassination. It's half ripped because it's been hiding at my grandmother's for so long...but it's pretty cool.

Here's the real silver lining, though. I went down to PR for two reasons: 1)vacation time (which really didn't happen) and 2)to tend to my grandmother who had been pretty depressed. And she was in SUCH a better mood by the time I left. It was a complete turnaround. So if I had to accomplish only one of those goals while on vacation, I'm glad it was the good one.

I keep thinking that I'll write more about it...but I really don't think I will. I appreciate the experience, but I'd really rather forget about it. It's not what I needed right now, but it's what I got. So I can accept that and move on.

I'll write more about the project I'm working on and other plans in the workings. Soon. :)

2007-03-14T04:06:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Puerto Rico in two and a half hours. I'll be there for two weeks! I don't know if I'll post. But if I don't...that's where I'll be!!! :)

"When I fall..."

2007-03-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

A new friend came across this quote posted it on her website. It seems to go along with the theme of things right now...lots of people are in the midst of discouragement. So I'm posting it, too.

It's a quote by Joseph Campbell:

Nietzche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life, the idea came to him of what he called "the love of your fate." Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, "This is what I need." It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment — not discouragement — you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow.

Then when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You'll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.

Inspiring and daunting all at the same time. It's actually a tall order...to have things not go your way and then not indulge your frustration. But instead to approach the circumstance with love (of all things!) and the faith that it's what you need right now.

Intellectually this all makes perfect sense. I've heard similar philosophies, and they're great...when things are going well. That's when it's easy to apply the idea that "everything happens for a good reason." But in tougher times not so much.

In tough times it's usually easier to grasp for the things that one can control than it is to surrender to the belief that everything/the universe is actually conspiring in one's favor despite all evidence to the contrary.

But maybe entertaining the belief in the face of doubt is better than rejecting the idea completely. Looking for the opportunity instead of nurturing the despair may at least be a way to bring positive energy to a situation. After all, we can't control the situation, we can only control how we interpret it and react to it. So if you change the lenses through which you're looking, perhaps you'll notice things that will be more helpful to you.

An old coach once told me, "For everything bad that happens in life, look for three things that you got out of it that you wouldn't have gotten if things had gone your way. It may take you years to find the third, but at least you're looking."

I loved that. And I've definitely put many a bad situation to rest using that idea. But in the meantime, what of your bruised ego? Sometimes to take a step back from circumstances and muster up a shred of perspective is beyond one's capabilities. Sometimes you just want to curl up in the dark and give up because it seems fruitless to continue walking without even a shred of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. How is it that you can have faith that it'll appear in good time? And worse, what if it doesn't?

It's that huge what-if that gets me. But I guess you have two choices...giving up or walking. Giving up leaves you in the dark...walking at least gets you somewhere.

And as long as you're walking, maybe indulging in your tantrums and discouragement isn't so bad. Giving into your frustration and not resisting it might be the one way to get past it. There's that statement "what you resist persists." So maybe surrendering to your emotions isn't so bad. Maybe feeling bad until you don't is an option...as long as you're still putting one foot in front of the other.

And how perfect is this...I'm listening to Tina Dico right now and the lyrics to her song "Give In" are perfect for what I just wrote. Coincidence? Apparently not ;)

So I'll close with them:

And even when you’re lost inside yourself
Even when too weak to cry for help
Even when you can’t put up a fight
Even when you’re broken you aren’t quite
Maybe it’s the struggle that you need
Something to disturb you in your sleep
A kiss of madness on your cheek
When will you see you’ve got to
Give in to your confusion
Leave it behind, then change your mind
Take what you find, let it be good enough.

"Everything old is new again..."

2007-03-01T00:42:00.001-05:00

My birthday was amazing. I realized that I belong to really good people who show up in the biggest way when given the opportunity. I'm really so blessed. Thanks to all who celebrated with me.

-----------

I heard once that every 7 years, your whole body regenerates. You get new organs, new hair, new everything. And so that means that I'm a week into my new body! Kind of cool.

And I didn't even notice it was happening.

If only all transitions could be so subtle and easy. Unfortunately, they are usually characterized by huge ups and downs and a lot of confusion. Sometimes figuring out how to lift up one's footsie and take the next step is most befuddling. But I guess you keep at it until it lands somewhere.

"We've paid our dues, but we can't make life pay..."

2007-02-22T12:28:00.000-05:00

It's over. 28 is over. At 12:02am, I watched the numbers on the clock change and breathed a sigh of relief. Happy Birthday, dear. It's over.

What a trying year. But I guess it was not without its benefits and lessons.

A very wonderful person once read me the following passage:
"Adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterwards we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be." (from "Memoirs of a Geisha")

Maybe life uses adversity as a way of course correcting. And maybe that was 28.

So many of us build up our lives...we put on our armor, our personas...we spend time, money and energy creating ourselves...and one day something happens that makes us realize that none of it fits. It all starts to unravel...and we realize that it all has to go.

And it hurts. The tearing away of the life we thought we had, of the life we thought we wanted, of the life we worked so hard for....

We mourn the days when we walked in ignorance, when things chugged along and they were just fine. But they're over. And we have no choice but to let them go.

And as we're shedding it all, we try so desperately to put ourselves back together. But it only happens when there's nothing left. When we can't possibly make the same mistakes twice because we have nothing to work with. It only happens when the slate is blank once again. And then it starts...slowly, to rebuild.

We might make new mistakes...but we've learned from our old ones. And we might have some scars...but it's only because we've healed.

It's difficult when your life is cracked open and you're forced to look inside...but it's worth it.

Now onto 29.

"Hello City..."

2007-02-20T14:19:00.000-05:00

I re-read this and decided I didn't like the post. It was trying too hard to be clever prose, so I'm taking it off.

I will, however, leave my plug for Angie B's post as well as the story of her getting dragged through the icy puddle. :)

For example, just the other day, my friend Angie B. (check out the link to her blog) got dragged through a deep, icy puddle while trying to help an elderly lady across the street. She was trying to help this woman *avoid* the puddle...and instead the woman dragged her into it insisting that this was the way to go.

"It's been one week..."

2007-02-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a week. I got distracted...and then I went away...and then I got insanely ill. I mean ill. It was awful. I haven't experienced that kind of pain in gosh-knows-how-long.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll explain everything one thing at a time.

First, I got distracted. An opportunity arose--I don't want to go into it too much because I don't want to jinx it. And right now, it's a big bundle of potential with very little action. There are supposed to be conversations happening...they haven't. So I'm just waiting to see how things pan out. It could mean a lot of things...which is how I got distracted.

Second, I went away. I went to Maine on Friday to see one of my dearest friends. We've known each other since high school and she's one of my favorite people in the world. She lives with her hubby and two kids (who are my favorite children in the world) in South Portland and I haven't been up there to visit yet.

It was a great weekend. Mostly it was so great to see my friend so happy. She and her husband have such a great relationship, and she's a tremendous mommy, too. Their kids are little darlings, brilliant and expressive. I really was just happy being in the middle of it all...and watching what it takes to be a family.

It made me appreciate the whole idea of really knowing who you are and what you need before committing to a marriage. It's an incredible commitment that takes a lot of patience and negotiation and a rock solid foundation of love and trust. And they have that...and I haven't seen that very often.

It bothers me when people (men and women alike) feel that getting married will end their fill-in-the-blank-here....loneliness, depression, insecurity, need to be loved, etc, etc, etc. That's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. It's a lot to ask of someone else...to solve something so deep inside of oneself. And usually it's something only the individual can solve...

But when the foundation is right, I totally saw how having a family could be totally doable. And could be really fulfilling. I'm not sure that I had that perspective before...I thought I did...but really I think I was scared by the prospect of it all.

That's the biggest thing I got out of my time in Maine. The other thing I got was the norovirus...otherwise known as the "Norwalk virus". It sounds so cute and friendly, right? WRONG. It's nasty. It's a mean little shit that tears your insides up and makes you want to surgically remove your stomach so you will never have to deal with that kind of pain again. It gives you a headache and a fever, it makes you vomit and the pain makes you delirious. Talking made me want to throw up. Seriously.

I was able to drink one ounce of Pedialyte all day on Sunday. By Sunday night, I was able to hold down about another 3 ounces of Welch's White Grape Juice (this is now my favorite juice in the whole world).

My fever broke at 3:30am on Monday morning, but the appetite didn't return until 12 hours later (when I had some saltines). I could, however, keep down Gatorade and Ginger Ale...so I loaded up on those at 7-11 and started the 4-hour drive back home. Luckily, with no traffic and short stops (since I wasn't hungry), I made it in 3.5. Then I took a nap. And last night, I slept eleven and a half hours.

I'm still only able to eat plain food, and I'm still exhausted, but it's on its way out. Finally.

So that's it. That's my long-winded explanation as to why it took me a whole week to post something new. I'm going to eat more saltines now...

"Branded like a racing car..."

2007-02-05T23:06:00.000-05:00

Superbowl weekend has come and gone. I had plans to go to a family friend's house for the game, but there was an emergency in the family so the festivities were called off. Instead, I had a full day, cooked some food and curled up with a good book (Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, 529 pages, no pictures).

I TiVo'd the game and had a nice little evening with my food and my book. Then a few hours into it, I started fast-forwarding the game and watching the advertising. You think I'm joking...

I'm just not a football fan. For me, it's just a bunch of guys hitting each other and running around. I understand what's going on during the game, I just don't care about it. So since I wasn't at a party socializing, I figured why sit around and watch it when I've got a good book and TiVo? :)

And really, I only watch the Superbowl for the ads... which, as a whole, I thought were so-so. I generally find this to be the case since there's so much hype about them.

BUT some were fantastic and had me laughing out loud to myself. So I thought I'd post some of my winners and losers of the evening...since it's the only reason I bothered to tune into CBS last night. :)

WINNERS (in no particular order):
Careerbuilder.com--This new campaign is hilarious! It's also an excellent way to evolve the brand from the monkey campaign. They've kept the quirky, silly, we-know-how-you-feel approach, and married it to a new insight. Brilliant.

Coca-Cola--I loved all three of their spots. I love the Disneyland approach where it's a bit outlandish, but it still puts a smile on your face. Also I like the whole "experience the Coke side of life" concept.

Bud Light--A note on Bud Light Superbowl advertising: because they've always had a huge Superbowl presence, I tend to regard these ads more as entertainment...not that they're not strategic at all, but you can tell that BL is very conscious that these are the Superbowl ads. That being said, I LOVED the "Slapping". It's *stoopid* humor...I mean basic, dumb humor. But man, it's funny. :) I also loved "What would Carlos do?" and "Hitchhiker."

Emerald Nuts-- Just the thought of Robert Goulet coming into your office in the afternoon and messing with your stuff is hysterical.

Oprah and Letterman--I don't have to say anything about this, except "Brilliant!"

King Pharmaceuticals--I worked in pharma advertising on a brand where we had to figure out how to spell out cardiac risk for people in a way that was compelling but not scary..and this nailed it. It could've gotten dark...but they kept the music silly and light, and that was what made it work.

Taco Bell--This one appealed to my silliness. Two lions talking about how to say "Carne asada" in a sexy way...like Ricardo Montalban.

LOSERS:
The Really Patronizing Black History Month Tribute--I don't even want to talk about this one. It just made me mad.

Fed Ex--After their hilarious "10 parts of a Superbowl ad" in 2005, they haven't managed to get it right again. What's with the random killing of people in their campaigns? Last year an elephant stepped on a caveman...and this year a meteor kills a guy floating in space. Random....and stupid, in my opinion.

Speaking of cavemen....why would GEICO spend $2.6 million to run the *same* ad they've been running for a while?

Budweiser--Crabs worshipping a cooler? Whatever.

Toyota Tundra--I get the whole "actual demonstration"concept...but I missed something in these. Maybe I'm just not the target, so it's just not speaking to me...but they seemed kind of bland. It seemed like they *thought* they were doing something impressive and cutting edge...but really it was boring.

Nationwide--I LOVED the way they used Kevin Federline in this (and I love that he was such a good sport)...it was a great insight, too (life changes can be sudden and dramatic). BUT did anyone remember that this ad was for Nationwide? Nope. They just knew it featured K-Fed. If people can't remember your brand/company, what's the point of spending $2.6 million?

So that's my run down. Feel free to agree or disagree with me, and let me know if I missed any gems. But those were the ones that came to mind :)

NB: I'd also like to note that I missed the first 30 minutes of the game, so I haven't seen *all* the ads. The Blockbuster ad came to my attention today (the one with the rabbit and the guinea pig) and I also LOVED it.

"Her life [on meds], in a nutshell..."

2007-02-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

Being on drugs all the time has been interesting (no worries, it's *nothing* serious at all...just a minor problem that won't go away).

Your body gets screwy on antibiotics and you can't anticipate what you'll feel like on any given day. Some days I'm exhausted...other days I can't sleep.

Sometimes I'm hungry, sometimes I just can't seem to get myself to eat anything. (Last night, that was not the case...I made a banana cake and served it with fresh banana slices and homemade whipped cream. The night before I made Swedish meatballs. I marinated and baked chicken wings, too. Hmmmm....went a little nuts when the appetite reappeared, didn't I?)

And then the headaches come and go which drives me craaaazy.

Mostly, it's frustrating when all I can do is observe myself. But at the same time, it's interesting to note how my body has decided to deal with the influx of meds.

For example, I now know that when I take any sort of penicillin-type drug, I get those horrible (or should I say wonderful?) pudding cravings. Those have subsided now that I'm on a different antibiotic. NOW, all I want is protein (hence the Swedish meatballs and the chicken, I guess. I'm not quite sure how the banana cake fits in there, but it's pretty good).

On the days where I'm exhausted my ability to sleep amazes me. And my exhaustion annoys me....it just makes it hard to plan ahead.

T-minus 2 days before I'm done with the meds. Then I go to the doc to make sure I'm all better. But we'll see. In the past 60 days, I've spent 24 of them taking some type of antibiotic. At some point, I'd like to get back on track...and I'd LOVE for my body to cooperate with me.

I was hoping that I could muster a more amusing post...but tonight I'm pretty pooped.

"Testing 1,2,3"

2007-01-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

If you refer to my last post, I'm on antibiotics which have made me feel strange and tired--that's why it's been 5 days since my last post. Today I think I slept too much, so I think I'm overtired. Also I'm off pudding, so I may be experiencing withdrawal.

Anyway....
While I was at Walgreen's waiting in line for my prescription, I discovered the most wonderful thing: Chicken Poop Lip Balm. Actually, what's written on the tube is "100% Free Range Chicken Poop Lip Junk." And the next line says "Put put it on your lips." I found this hysterical.

Now, I didn't think that they would actually put chicken poop in it...but just to make sure, I read the ingredients. And it was good stuff: jojoba oil, lavendar and sweet orange essential oil, etc, etc. Reassuringly, the next line on the tube reads "contains no poop"...which just gave me another chuckle. I thought it was a brilliant piece of marketing. Not to mention thoroughly amusing. I had to buy it.

Just in case it was all packaging and no substance, I also bought the Neosporin lip treatment (which I highly recommend in the winter), and I haven't yet had to bust it out. This chicken poop stuff is really good! And it's funny to pull it out of my bag and show it to people. :)

I went to the website tonight--www.ilovechickenpoop.com--and there's a whole line of products coming out! All as cleverly conceptualized as the lip junk. I'm very much looking forward to personal hygiene products with names such as "Kill It Dead Natural Anti-Funk Spray" and "Good Gravey" hair pomade (that one's already out).

Simple pleasures, my friends. Simple pleasures.

------------------
NOTE:

Since the publishing of this blog, I've been in touch with Gretchen at Simone Chickenbone, LLC. I let her know that their product was mentioned on my blog...they're keeping track of outside mentions. She clarified a few things about their products, so I'm posting her email below.
----------
Hello Deny,

Glad you love it! Great Blog! The Good Gravey has been reborn as a removable solid lotion in a silver tin, although some have been known to use it as a hair pomade also. Kill It Dead is also now available. It is awesome. thrillist.com featured it recently. They have a link on our "links" page.

Keep spreading the "PooP"! -->(this is why i love them!)
Gretchen

--
Gretchen
Simone Chickenbone, LLC
Chicken Poop
www.ilovechickenpoop.com
316-263-PooP (7667)

"It's never enough, It's never enough, It's never enough"

2007-01-26T03:37:00.000-05:00

So I'm on my fourth course of antibiotics in 3 months. I keep getting meds that don't work...which require me to take more and different meds. It's annoying because it throws my whole body off....

...but it's fascinating because I've developed this taste for pudding. Instant pudding. I've gone through about 6 boxes of Jell-O Instant Pudding in the last two weeks--vanilla, chocolate and chocolate fudge. I can't stop eating it.

This is odd because I'm not someone who craves sweets. I don't really eat candy--I don't love cake or ice cream or pastries. I could do just fine without them. If I ever have an intense craving for anything, it's usually for something salty.

But now, I want nothing but sweet. I eat yogurt with bananas for breakfast, cereal for lunch and a simple dinner followed by pudding.

I tried the sugar-free pudding...just so I wasn't loading up on all that extra sugar. But you know what happened? I ended up eating the whole box in one night. It usually takes me at least two days to finish the contents of one box of pudding (which, for your information, makes 2 cups).

I should have known this. I've read that when you eat something that tastes like sugar, you trick your body into expecting sugar (read: calories). When your body does not get the calories it expects, it starts to give off hunger signals...which just makes you eat more. So the sugar-free pudding satiated my taste for sweet...but then I just started craving more. And so I ate the whole thing....and added bananas to it.

It's crazy! I don't even recognize these new snack habits I have. It's really beyond my control. And it kind of amuses me that it's so out of control...I think it's actually quite funny.

Until Monday night. I went to someone's* house to watch "24". I bring a box of pudding and some milk because I think it would be a nice gesture to share. So I get there and one of the roommate's girlfriend's is baking up a storm! She had an electric mixer going and ingredients spread out all across the counter. She kept having to turn the mixer on to cream the butter...and probably add some eggs...and then maybe some flour. Then she set it all in a pie pan and added peach halves to it before she poured this delicious looking custardy concoction on top.

And there I am like a jackass mixing my chocolate powder and milk in my little bowl with my little whisk. It was horrifying.

*And let's add insult to injury. Did I mention that this certain *someone's* house is a very nice grad student who I think is very attractive and pretty swell? He lives with two people in serious, committed relationships...and they were ALL home! The roommates and their girlfriends. And everyone is cozy and has their thing and they're all used to each other and hang out together and cook for each other--and I still haven't figured out if or how I fit into this whole equation. And so I just stood there red-faced, whisking away, wanting to run home...but being held back by the pudding I just made.

But with every bad experience, comes a little knowledge. And you know what I learned? My pudding addiction is NOT amusing to people who don't know me! It's just weird.

My friends who are reading this are probably cracking up right now at the thought of me emptying box after box of pudding into cup after cup of milk and going to town. But if you don't know me...you probably think I'm insane!

Ugh. I'm still embarrassed.

And I'm on meds for the next 8 days...so I'm going to be "crazy pudding lady" for the next week.

"That's when I knew that I was home"

2007-01-23T19:55:00.000-05:00

What's amazing to me is that when you're open and vulnerable, help comes from the most unexpected places. When tragedy/sadness strikes, it's never the person you thought who provides you with the most comfort.

I've found this to be true every time I've had to face something big.

And it's a nice thought.

That's my aside for the day. And a shout-out to someone who knows who she is. :)
-------------
"He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home." ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I've just spent the week rearranging my entire apartment. Clearing out every single closet, consolidating and decorating, and now I think I'm almost in love. There are still a few things that need to get put up...like curtains in my living room and refinishing and reupholstering the dining room chairs. But I'm pretty happy with it so far. Until a few weeks ago, I kind of actively disliked it...and that's no good. I believe that your home should not be a source of stress but of warmth and comfort--whatever your particular aesthetic may be.

Perhaps this is why I'm drawn to Feng Shui--I think that everyone should have a home that's harmonious and that they love. I need to be able to walk in the door and be comforted that I'm home. I absolutely loved my apartment in New York for that reason. Every time I walked in, I felt a little relief that I had arrived. I could breathe a little easier and let the day go.

I spent a lot of time making sure the colors were right...I painted a mottled, Spanish earthy yellow look in my living room. My bedroom was a soft green and my kitchen had one wall painted an Italian red. Very European and cozy.

I painted this place, too. The walls were gross and cracking, so I had to paint the entire thing. It wanted to be neutral, though...not a lot of involved colors. Soft and earthy.

I haven't been in love with the living room color. I was expecting it to be a little nicer than it turned out...but now that things are placed a little better and better lit, I think I'll stick with it. I love how the bedroom turned out. It's an earthy pink. I wasn't expecting pink...but more of an earthy, clay color. But it looks pink--antique rose to be specific. I never thought I'd like a pink bedroom, but I got a fantastic bed set that makes it look fabulous. :)

The kitchen came in yellow....and since I had painted the rest of the place, I just kept it. Painting gets tiring...

It's amazing the difference in how I feel. I really can't stress that enough. And I really didn't realize how frustrated I was with the old layout until I fixed it. And now that I feel like everything is in order, it makes the rest seem easy.

And that's all I have to say about that.

And since I started with a quote, I'll end with one:
"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place
where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule."
~Frederick W. Robertso

"This mind wasn't well, Next time, hope I'm..."

2007-01-22T02:42:00.000-05:00

So we did watch the Coliseum go down and it was pretty cool. Loud. And very dusty. And then per my brother's brilliant idea, we went to IKEA (from whose parking lot we watched the whole thing) for their $.99 breakfast.

It was a cool tribute to the building where we saw the Ice-capades when we were little...and then the Spin Doctors and other concerts in high school. I did have an odd moment, though. I realized that five and a half years ago, I stood on the 39th floor of my building in midtown hoping that the twin towers wouldn't fall...and here I was cheering on the demise of another building. Totally different circumstances, I know...there was nothing to reconcile. Still, the thought ran through my head.

I don't want to define life as we know it by that event, but I'm not sure I ever truly processed the whole thing. The fact that I thought about it yesterday, seems to indicate that I have not.

Those were tough days. My mind was blank and I ran on auto pilot for about a week before I broke down. And as much as I try to resist it, that day will define much of my adult life. My kids will learn about it when they're in high school and they'll say, "My mom was there. She watched it happen." And she knew people who were in the buildings and made it out, who were next door and watched it close up, in the weeks after, she held hands with strangers as they walked out of the subway together making sure each got where they needed to go just in case.

Maybe resistance isn't the answer. Maybe acceptance, and letting myself face the horror and the grief and the confusion and anger that I probably still have shelved in some transom of my brain will allow those events to be a more meaningful part of my life. Because right now, it's tough to talk about, and if someone brings it up, I check right out. I have a story that I can tell without becoming upset. So I stick to that. But the details still kill me. Sometimes, someone asks about something that I don't have scripted and I lose it.

And it's like "Enough already. It's over, move on, it happened, we're working on it." But I'm not sure I've actually fully faced the impact it had on me. I've never really thought that I had a right to claim it as a personal tragedy. I lost no one. Those folks who I knew in the buildings made it out. There was one person who was lost whom I knew in passing--so I knew her name and could recognize on the street...but we weren't close. I attended no funerals.

So who am I to claim grief?

Still, I look to the empty skyline downtown imagining the skyline the way it used to be. And I'm haunted by the memories of the firemen covered in dust on the subway, their spirits broken. And I'm still moved by the delicate way in which people handled them...with offers of encouragement, a pat on the shoulder, paying their dinner bills, telling them "thank you".

Sheesh. I wanted to write about the Coliseum going down and how cool it was! I certainly didn't want to write a post about "I was there". I can't stand when people do that. It makes me feel like people are exploiting the event for their own purposes. Especially since it's been a justification for so much....I feel like 9/11 is thrown around as an excuse and not given the reverence and the respect it deserves.

But at the same time, I was there. I didn't lose anyone...but I still can't talk about it. And 5 years later, maybe that's not the best idea. Maybe waiting for people to stop talking about it won't work. Maybe staying open to the flood of emotions will. And maybe letting myself go there will bring me to a new place about it...where I can have a discussion and share my experiences instead of shutting down.

And then the next time a building goes down, I can enjoy the demolition and write an amusing post about it instead of writing a big downer post.

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

"I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again..."

2007-01-20T02:40:00.000-05:00

So after my last post, I thought "maybe I should stop taking freelancing gigs and just let that last connection to NY go" (remember that I was trying that whole "filling a void, by creating more void." So how interesting is it that the next day, the universe throws me a bone. A little bone, but a bone. I wouldn't call it structure, but at least something new towards which I can direct some of my energy.

I got a gig as a back-up singer for a band. I was driving into Hamden to meet them...and as I turned onto this tiny backroad, I started to get scared that they were psychos that used ads for back-up singers as a way to lure poor, unsuspecting souls to their lair and do all sorts of unspeakable things to them. Then I pulled into the driveway of this happily lit house with kids' toys in the garage and a manicured front lawn, and decided it might be ok to go inside.

And really they're just nice people who want to play their instruments and sing their songs. They're from all walks of life. One of them is a ghost chaser....literally. She goes to cemeteries and other haunted places and takes pictures for analysis. Honestly, I think that's awesome. Especially since I swear I had a ghost in a hotel room I once had in Chicago...and also my friend Mike lives with one. Seriously. I won't get into it now, but there's a ton of evidence that he can't explain...and he's a scientist.

Now, I'd be too freaked out to run around cemeteries snapping random photos of nothing, but to meet someone who does it so unapologetically is actually pretty refreshing. It's just her thing. And hey, she could do worse.

Anyway, they haven't really had any gigs yet, but at this point, I'm not sure I mind singing in garages with some nice, talented people. Hopefully once there's a solid repertoire, we can take the show on the road. And if not, no harm done. I don't need people to listen to me sing, I just need a place to do it.

The best part about it right now...is that I get to be part of a "we". The second I got there, they gave me a mic. So three minutes after I walked in, I was singing. And after a few songs, they asked me what kind of music I like to sing...and told me I should feel free to bring them music because they'd learn whatever I wanted. To this I said "Does that mean you're keeping me?" "Definitely. You're our favorite."

It was fun, and they're really easy-going and nice. They're just happy to do music. Which is exactly what I need right now. No pressure, just musical expression.

Off to bed...my brother and I are waking up at 6:30 to watch the demolition of the New Haven Coliseum tomorrow. It's going to be nuts.

"It's time to let it go..."

2007-01-16T23:40:00.000-05:00

I want to be as happy as the girl at Cafe Atlantique in Milford. She's so happy making crepes and serving coffee. She talks to her customers and they all know her by name (Amanda). And her regulars say things like "Wow, that panini was especially great today, Amanda." It's really too sweet. She makes you want to work in a cafe because she makes it seem so fun.

Not that I'm not happy...but what I think she has that I don't is a feeling of having truly found her niche. And I think I'm still in a process of searching. Only thing is, that my whole life I've always been about fitting in everywhere...not just one place. I've always felt like I had friends and interests everywhere.

And suddenly, I find myself with no full time work, half a certification, no sports team, no singing group...and nothing on the horizon. So what do you do when your world has lost its structure?

I know you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you create your own structures and all that jazz. I took up freelancing for my old company so that I could have something familiar to do, and it allowed me keep in touch with my old life. Plus, they pay me well for pretty straightforward work...but that's not really why I did it. I needed something I knew...and I also needed something to tell people when they asked "so what do you do?" But I wonder if keeping that link is akin to holding onto the ledge on the side of the cliff.

In order for that last line to make sense, I should explain:
I read a parable once about a mountain climber who loses her footing and slides down the rock towards the edge of a cliff. Just before she's about to go over, she grabs a hold of the ledge and hangs there in mid-air. Desperately, she cries out "Lord, help me. Please come to my rescue!" And the Lord answers "Yes, Sadie, I can help you, but first there's one thing you must do."

"I'll do anything!" she cries, "What must I do?"

"Sadie, you have to let go of that ledge."
_______________

That last line still gives me the jibblies.

I can grasp the concept of letting go and surrendering to the chaos and the not knowing. But how do you know that you're holding onto something that no longer serves you? I'm not sure that you always do.

And besides, can you create structure by creating more non-structure? Can you fill a void by creating more void? It seems so counterintuitive....but maybe that's a concept I need to let go of ...if that's the game we're playing.

Or...maybe I should just keep ordering banana and chocolate crepes from happy Amanda until something strikes me. :)

"You & I have been through this before..."

2007-01-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

My last post was mostly my musing over my move (wow, so many "m" words...). I imagine most posts will be this way since I sometimes let the point get away from me.

I should clarify. It sounded like I've spent months sitting around being bitter about an ex-career in advertising. Not true. Since I moved, I've been freelancing in advertising and working from home. This suits me just fine because I don't have to take part in all the drama and client-service b.s. that happens when you're actually in the building. And I must say, working from home pretty much kicks ass.

There are some negatives, though. Like the fact that it's project to project, and when the projects run out, I need to find someone else to employ me. But it's actually not that bad...certainly preferable to what I had before. And it's buying me time to finish up my Feng Shui school work. I took a Professional Feng Shui certification class last summer, took the test and now that I've passed, I need to finish up three big, huge reports (that last bit is just me whining...it's not that bad).

I've had some technical difficulties, though. There are no good programs for Macs, so I had to dig out my old PC laptop. And now I can't the internet to work on that. Blah, blah, blah...it'll all get done. But in the midst of finding more projects to work on, this tends to get put on the back burner. As it must for now.

Anyway...for some reason, I felt the need to clarify. I'm pretty happy with where things are going for me, just being in the middle spot is vague and strange. But transitions need to happen at their own pace. It's all been an exercise in patience.

Hmmm...That's a whole hunk of story that I've given in two posts...and quite frankly, it doesn't define me at all. It merely explains how I came to be living in New Haven from New York.

So to wrap things up, here's all anyone needs to know about me:
1) I'm easily amused... I like to laugh, so this works out for me.

2) I have three cats. And, no I'm not a crazy cat lady. My apartment doesn't smell like a litter box, and I don't treat them like they're my kids. They're cats. I just ended up with three. And they're a riot to live with.

3) I'm pretty friendly and easy going. Just don't make fun of my cats or I'll kill you.

4) I make distinctions for everything. I love music, and I categorize every bit of it.

5) I have an inner circle of friends and family for whom I would do anything. It's not easy to get into this circle. I have circles outside of that. And those don't have the big boundary. They still get all of me and my friendship...just not the offers for midnight runs downtown because you found a bug in your bathroom and it's terrifying you, or an answer for the 5am wake up calls because you can't sleep. Those kinds of things are only reserved for a special few. (Repeat: I make distinctions for everything)

6) I believed in Santa Claus for waaaay too long.

7) I love sunflowers.

8) I quote movies like it's a reflex. Sometimes people don't have any idea what I'm talking about or where it came from. This is usually fine and good...until I quote something from Borat like his "Throw the Jews down the well" song. And then I'm in trouble.

9) I love bacon.

That's pretty much all you need to know about me. Like I said, the rest is just story.

p.s. The titles are all quotes from Barenaked Ladies songs....wouldn't want to plagiarize.

"Where does the time go when it's not around here?"

2007-01-12T23:18:00.000-05:00

So apparently I feel like I have things to say...but I'll start with me.

I just moved back to New Haven, CT from New York City. I was there for 6 years--from July 2000-September 2006. While I'm happy with the move, it has been somewhat of an adjustment. Not entirely because of the move...I also left a career in advertising and some really good friends (some really bad ones, too).

So I guess I'm in somewhat of a "time out". Liminal, if you will. Betwixt and between.

(For those of you who weren't Anthro majors, here's a good working definition of "liminal" from Wikipedia:
"The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. "...Sounds about right. )

I do think breaks are a good thing. They give you distance and perspective. And then you get to bring it all back (if
you choose to go back) to your circumstances or use it to create new ones.

Not that there was anything wrong with my old life, per se. It just got tiring. I didn't take advertising seriously at all. It's
what made me good at it (because I rarely lost my cool) and it's what made me wrong for it (because I just didn't care). I would get annoyed in meetings listening to people talk in circles making sure they had "made a contribution" and "added value." Listening to clients jabber on about how they could "push the envelope" and use some "non-traditional" tactics. My boss would fight passionately for campaigns. I didn't bother because if the clients didn't agree...so what? They were going to get their way in the end anyway.

I really did try to make it "what i wanted to do when i grow up", but it just didn't work. And I wonder what the difference was between me and those who did want it. What was it that had them be so passionate about something I considered so inconsequential? I think really highly of some of my old colleagues (especially my ex-boss), so it's not that I blame it on some personality defect or intellectual deficiency on their parts, or mine for that matter.

And maybe it is just what it is. Like my Miss Piggy bathing suit when I was a kid. It was black and white and pink. And I loved it. I wanted to wear it all the time. One summer, I was getting ready to take my first swim of the season and I went to get it. I pulled it over my legs and it got stuck. For the next 5 minutes, I struggled trying to pull the straps over my shoulders. Anything to get the darn thing on. But it just didn't fit. Fast forward 20 years, and that's exactly what I was doing with my job. Not to imply that I was somehow "too big" for it. It just didn't fit and forcing it didn't help.

My moment of reckoning came during the summer of 2005. There were 60 people dead in London due to the subway bombings, and we were arguing with clients about conducting research for a print campaign. And no one stopped to pause. No one stopped to talk. Everyone just wanted to push on with their work.

I realized that one day I may have a child who has a softball game or a play...and my clients could ultimately get to decide whether or not I went. And I just couldn't handle that my life was going to be prioritized like that.

If I think about it, I guess I'm not that surprised. I always knew it was temporary at best, but I always thought that I'd have a really cool plan in place when I did decide to go. I never thought I'd need to move back to CT to recover (that might be
overstating it a bit, but that's what it feels like sometimes).

But I guess if nothing else, I learned that I need to believe in something and be proud of it...even just a little bit...if I'm going
to spend so much of my time and energy on it. Seems logical...but it's so easy to get caught up in something that's not good for you just to say that you've got something interesting going on.

I'll always love New York. It's really an amazing place to live. But it's also a little warped--the measures of success seem so frivolous to the rest of the world, but they are a really huge deal in New York. For example, "Wow, you live by yourself?" (This is an impressive feat....it's usually the first thing people want to know after "Where do you live?") Even better is..."I have a one bedroom." That means you have arrived...a studio in a doorman building is actually less impressive than having four walls and a door that separate your bed from your couch.

Life gets both bigger and smaller in New York. You live big. It's a bigger stage; there are a ton of all different kinds of people, the buildings look like they're going to topple over, there are so many museums, theaters, neighborhoods and experiences so close by. But because it gets big, it gets small. You have everything you need within a 10 block radius, so why leave the neighborhood? The immediate things become smaller...smaller spaces, smaller priorities, smaller measures of success (bedrooms and doormen). There is no in-between. And you're always compromising something. And for many, it works.

In New York you get to be a precious, insignificant part of something huge. And there's something really great about that.